Thursday

I again come up against this wall of grief. I start crying and the only thing I can think of is "is this all that you have become? Detrious to be thrown out and given to charity? It makes me weep.

I have to call your Mom and Gary and Jan and Chris and Jo, and Vera. I just don't feel like talking and making small talk. I'll try.

Salvation Army

Yesterday and today have been very very rough on me. I saw Dr. Williams and we filled out the paperwork for my paid leave. She hugged me and I started crying; I started crying in the waiting room even before I saw the Dr. Of course, I kept it in until she hugged me then I started bawling.

I ran errands the rest of the day then came home to an empty, cold house but at least I have Buddy and Mishka. I did a few things around the house then I took an ambien, a half, which went to my head in no time.

Tuesday, I went to see Dan and I cried and cried but had a good talk. I do need to reach out to people which includes Jayne, Jo, Gary, Cecilia. Cecilia called me last night and asked how I was feeling and I told her sad and she said "why?". Ohhhh that hurt. Because I am a widow and I'm lonely and afraid. She called today and I'm going to her house to watch the football game. We do like to laugh a lot - It's all good.

I'm planning to clean up and get rid of some things that I kept from the old apartment but really need to give away to the Salvation Army.

ALL I CAN THINK OF IS: "...IS THIS ALL THAT YOU HAVE BECOME? JUNK TO BE GIVEN TO THE SALVATION ARMY?"

It breaks my heart to part with this stuff that meant so much to you. It's like I am parting with you or that I am not giving you the proper respect.

I am in so much pain and my heart hurts so much. I miss you so very very much. I just to pray to the Lord that I can continue putting one foot in front of the other. I need to follow my own advise and practice what I've always preached.

I'll get by - crying like a baby - but I'll get by.

Fall of 2007

.Who would have thought I'd be a widow? How would I have known that you were so ill that day?



I feel soooo bad, because I feel I let you down. I should have come home from work, I should have called an ambulance. I thought you had a flu or a cold. That you would collapse with a heart attach should not have surprized or shocked me but it did.



You should have died two years ago but you continued with me for another two years and I'm so grateful. I love you now just as much as I did then. You were my baby, my best friend, the child I never had and you meant the world to me.

Now what do I do? I pick up my feet and take it one day at a time whether I like it or not. I have my new little home to fix up, friends to cultivate, etc. I don't want to though. I just want to sit here and grieve for my loss. I want to be left alone with my pain. I will not do that, I will wake up and keep on going. I have a job, a life, friends and new things to explore now.

Astrology zone October horoscope indicated that Jupiter would enter my house of finances after Saturn had been in there for the past two years. That the change would be sudden but who would have thought your death would be the catalyst? I am now saving over $300 a month in insurance, $600 a year in your prescriptions, but God only knows that I was more than happy to support you and take care of you.

Every day I pray that the Lord can give me strength to go on without you and ease the pain that I feel.